Lovers, Others, & Friends,
It would seem that after plenty of drinking, crying, and
praying these past few weeks, I awoke this morning, with a peace that passes
all understanding. It is the peace of being irrevocably “OK” with who the fuck I am - regardless of who the fuck anyone else is, or their opinions of me.
In the grand scheme of things, yes, there are things I'm still discovering about myself; nevertheless, there are a few things that I am
absolutely certain of and they are 1. I
am fair, 2. I am kind, 3. My integrity (most days) is intact. I won’t budge on these PERIOD!
So should my character EVER be of question, THIS is my foundation, this is the
trifecta from which I shoot. Someone else’s opinion of me, be it based on my
past or my present, is merely hearsay – it DOES NOT change who I am or what I
KNOW to be true about ME.
It is because of my fairness that I tend judge MYSELF first and most harshly so I hate to be wrongly
accused or even misjudged. It is also because I am kind that my kindness is
often mistaken for weakness, when in actuality, the weakness is in taking the assumed advantage. And it is because of
my integrity, I think thrice about my decisions and whom they may affect – (subject to the fact that by design, I am a
fucking Homosapien, not without error); although, I can readily admit when I am
wrong, and apologize in earnest.
I AM NOT perfect, but
I REFUSE to be STONED (by myself or anyone else)!
"I am a woman, as delicate as flesh; with a cast iron heart." I am as responsible for my successes as I am for my failures. My perpetual “big girl panties” must be worn at all times. (Figuratively of course because panty lines
aren’t really attractive, while commando is a liberty that everyone has the
right to exercise… discretely… on laundry day… or New Years Eve 2011 or whatever).
What I’m saying is – KNOWING exactly who I am brings me
far more satisfaction than simply “finding myself”. It means that I am on my path and in possession of great
wisdom, that my trials are not won in vain, but are a substantial victory. With what I DO know about me, it means that I can
arm myself against accusations that say otherwise…
It means that “no weapon
formed against me shall prosper” even when it’s of my own self destruction.
Signed,
The Jawn who dranks, cusses, and quotes Bible scriptures
